I'm federal agent Mom,
and today is the longest day of my life.
*All events happen in real time.and today is the longest day of my life.
6:00-7:00 AM Torture begins immediately in early morning exercise class. Despite the extreme physical cruelty, I make it out alive. Barely.
7:00-8:00 AM The insurgents are quiet while I shower and get ready. Are they planning their attack?
8:00-8:30 AM One insurgent is ready extremely early for swim team practice and begins circling me, making silent demands. I diffuse the situation by shooing her from my room.
8:30-9:00 AM We begin patrolling the city streets, dropping off two insurgents at the pool. In an attempt to distract the other two, we head to the beach, where we meet some of my allies. I appreciate the back up. The skies overhead are threatening.
9:00-10:00 AM The insurgents play nicely in the sand with their fellow rebels. Then the rain begins to fall. I worry that the swimmers will be stranded and cold, so I encourage the insurgents to gather their buckets and shovels so that we can rescue their cohorts. They get distracted and take an inordinate amount of time. I must speak strongly in order for them to follow the proper authority.
10:30 AM-2:30 PM We have nothing planned. This is when the rebellion is most likely to arise. Two insurgents are in a constant state of bickering, their technique of choice when it comes to weakening the opposition. I have to run an errand during this time, and take the insurgents hostage in the van. At home, I am tormented by my own boredom, which leads to laziness and a strong desire to eat. I succumb. This could very well be the end of my heretofore successful weight loss attempts. I half-heartily fight off the guilt by telling myself that it's my birthday (on Sunday) and free eating is my gift to myself (along with an extra 5 pounds). That war will never be over.
2:30-3:00 PM I decide the best technique is to divide and conquer. I recruit my newest ally to harbor two insurgents, while one insurgent has piano lessons, and the other insurgent stays home to play with a couple of younger cohorts. This doesn't go over well. One insurgent tries to negotiate the terms of the arrangement, and not without a struggle.
3:00-4:00 PM I try to keep the younger insurgents at bay with some sensory input: a plastic container with whole wheat berries (a la a preschool sand/rice table). However, while I am battling a biochemical agent on the stairwell banister, the insurgents cause an explosion. In a surprising twist, one insurgent shows a change of heart and volunteers to vacuum.
4:00-6:00 PM It is time to rescue my fellow agent from the other insurgents. Before leaving, I stop in the bathroom. The youngest insurgent follows and begins interrogating me through the door. (This is where Jack Bauer gets it right. There is no time for pit stops.) There is a bit of down time while the insurgents play outside. My ally and I regroup with talk of non-terrorist activity. Upon leaving, we phone ahead to my partner, who is now back at base. He agrees to prepare the insurgent's last meal.
6:00-7:00 PM Before the meal is served, one insurgent decides to take some irrational anger out on the piano, pounding out "Can-Can" and "Black Forest Polka" for the one millionth time. This is the equivalent of Chinese water torture. She resists numerous requests for her to stop. The meal is surprisingly uneventful.
7:00-8:00 PM I set the terms for TV watching tonight. The insurgents must complete their after-dinner chores and shower within a set amount of time. One insurgent decides she is also an agent and begins ordering another insurgent around. Her privileges are threatened, but she gets it under control. However, this attempt at policing distracts her to the point that she places the bowl of leftover food in the sink and turns the water on it. For the second night in a row, the insurgent foiled my plans for a future meal. The insurgents are successful in meeting my terms and the TV watching begins.
8:30-9:00 PM We herd the insurgents upstairs to read from the agency's instruction manual, but are interrupted by a call from my Counter-Terrorist Unit leader. During the call, the insurgents scatter, and by the time the call is over, the rebellion is in full force. We squeeze one verse a piece from each and incarcerate them in their beds. It seems my work may be done.
9:00-10:00 PM Not to go down without a fight, one insurgent makes two more trips downstairs to bombard me with unnecessary questions. I am just about to surrender when she slips back upstairs, and I am finally left to debrief with my partner and my shows.
10:00-11:00 PM In the still of the night, I consider the foe. They are worthy opponents, with clever tactics and surprise attacks. Like Jack, will I be destined to face the same assaults day after day, all summer long?
Will it kill me in the end?
Will I conquer the enemy?
Or will I just walk off into the sunset...
7:00-8:00 AM The insurgents are quiet while I shower and get ready. Are they planning their attack?
8:00-8:30 AM One insurgent is ready extremely early for swim team practice and begins circling me, making silent demands. I diffuse the situation by shooing her from my room.
8:30-9:00 AM We begin patrolling the city streets, dropping off two insurgents at the pool. In an attempt to distract the other two, we head to the beach, where we meet some of my allies. I appreciate the back up. The skies overhead are threatening.
9:00-10:00 AM The insurgents play nicely in the sand with their fellow rebels. Then the rain begins to fall. I worry that the swimmers will be stranded and cold, so I encourage the insurgents to gather their buckets and shovels so that we can rescue their cohorts. They get distracted and take an inordinate amount of time. I must speak strongly in order for them to follow the proper authority.
10:30 AM-2:30 PM We have nothing planned. This is when the rebellion is most likely to arise. Two insurgents are in a constant state of bickering, their technique of choice when it comes to weakening the opposition. I have to run an errand during this time, and take the insurgents hostage in the van. At home, I am tormented by my own boredom, which leads to laziness and a strong desire to eat. I succumb. This could very well be the end of my heretofore successful weight loss attempts. I half-heartily fight off the guilt by telling myself that it's my birthday (on Sunday) and free eating is my gift to myself (along with an extra 5 pounds). That war will never be over.
2:30-3:00 PM I decide the best technique is to divide and conquer. I recruit my newest ally to harbor two insurgents, while one insurgent has piano lessons, and the other insurgent stays home to play with a couple of younger cohorts. This doesn't go over well. One insurgent tries to negotiate the terms of the arrangement, and not without a struggle.
3:00-4:00 PM I try to keep the younger insurgents at bay with some sensory input: a plastic container with whole wheat berries (a la a preschool sand/rice table). However, while I am battling a biochemical agent on the stairwell banister, the insurgents cause an explosion. In a surprising twist, one insurgent shows a change of heart and volunteers to vacuum.
4:00-6:00 PM It is time to rescue my fellow agent from the other insurgents. Before leaving, I stop in the bathroom. The youngest insurgent follows and begins interrogating me through the door. (This is where Jack Bauer gets it right. There is no time for pit stops.) There is a bit of down time while the insurgents play outside. My ally and I regroup with talk of non-terrorist activity. Upon leaving, we phone ahead to my partner, who is now back at base. He agrees to prepare the insurgent's last meal.
6:00-7:00 PM Before the meal is served, one insurgent decides to take some irrational anger out on the piano, pounding out "Can-Can" and "Black Forest Polka" for the one millionth time. This is the equivalent of Chinese water torture. She resists numerous requests for her to stop. The meal is surprisingly uneventful.
7:00-8:00 PM I set the terms for TV watching tonight. The insurgents must complete their after-dinner chores and shower within a set amount of time. One insurgent decides she is also an agent and begins ordering another insurgent around. Her privileges are threatened, but she gets it under control. However, this attempt at policing distracts her to the point that she places the bowl of leftover food in the sink and turns the water on it. For the second night in a row, the insurgent foiled my plans for a future meal. The insurgents are successful in meeting my terms and the TV watching begins.
8:30-9:00 PM We herd the insurgents upstairs to read from the agency's instruction manual, but are interrupted by a call from my Counter-Terrorist Unit leader. During the call, the insurgents scatter, and by the time the call is over, the rebellion is in full force. We squeeze one verse a piece from each and incarcerate them in their beds. It seems my work may be done.
9:00-10:00 PM Not to go down without a fight, one insurgent makes two more trips downstairs to bombard me with unnecessary questions. I am just about to surrender when she slips back upstairs, and I am finally left to debrief with my partner and my shows.
10:00-11:00 PM In the still of the night, I consider the foe. They are worthy opponents, with clever tactics and surprise attacks. Like Jack, will I be destined to face the same assaults day after day, all summer long?
Will it kill me in the end?
Will I conquer the enemy?
Or will I just walk off into the sunset...
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7 comments:
Just call me Tony...I disappear for hours during the day and return to save the day initially and then after a matter of time become one of the insurgents.
You are hilarious! I laughed and laughed as I related oh-so-well...and today is only DAY 1 for us.
Is this some kind of joke?
We only met and had a brief conversation at the Westlake Ward Reunion last July. I have to tell you how much I enjoy reading your posts. The Phil/Betty Franklin family was a favorite of mine, so I hope you don't mind me keeping caught up on your comings and goings. This post had me laughing and recalling memories of our four growing up when we lived in Bay Village and Westlake. You're darling and Glen is a blessed man to have found you.
Mom, or should I say "federal agent", us "insurgents" are not "terrorists", we are "allies!
GRREAT one, Amy! Sigh. And breathe deep. Count to ten.....(I'm talking to myself, by the way!) Counting down the days here...;)
Happy Birthday Amy!!
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